Love's Not Surgery
by seattlelovin-greys
Summary: MEREDITH/DEREK. They've been out of touch for almost five years after falling in love, and they aren't expecting to realize that when they meet again, nothing's changed.
1. Chapter 1

[1] {Something new I'm starting, hoping to stick with it. Reviews are welcome! Enjoy.}

It'd never been easy to love her. And even now, what, how many years later? It still wasn't easy. Time was such a blur to him. Then again, it wasn't. He still remembered the day she'd left, the day she'd told him she didn't want to be a part of his life. Tomorrow would make the fourth year since she'd said, "I love you." It just never got any easier.

* * *

><p>In his memory, it was as clear as the way Seattle's sky turned light blue in the summer.<p>

And it had been summer. She was walking her dog at the beach, her golden retriever named Zeus. Derek could still recall the shiny coat of fur Zeus wore proudly, could still remember how he'd thought to himself that whoever owned that dog must've loved him a great deal. And in the near future, little did Derek know that he'd come to love Zeus' owner a great deal.

Meredith had been wearing this light, flowing dress. He could never properly remember the name of women's clothing, but he supposed it was a sundress. It was white, and it was airy. The straps clung to her shoulders and the dress fitted her form so closely that he swore she made every man's head turn as she passed by. She had this ridiculous sunhat balanced on top of her head, complete with a light green bow as well. But she looked good. She looked really good, and if he closed his eyes, he could still see everything about that moment exactly as it'd happened.

Zeus broke away from Meredith so quickly that it took her by surprise, startling her so much that she dropped the leash, giving Zeus free reign to go wherever he desired. And to Derek's own surprise, the dog had bounded right up to him, nuzzling his head underneath Derek's hand. "Hey boy," he'd said, chuckling as Meredith followed shortly after, one hand holding the hat to her head.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized, picking up Zeus' leash from the hot sand. "He must really like you. He does that sometimes, just takes off, or tries to anyway. He's never quite gotten away with so much strength though. Like I said, he must really like you," she explained, smiling so sweetly that Derek had to blink a few times to make sure she was really there, smiling at him.

"No problem," he grinned, waving his hand like it wasn't a big deal. "They are man's best friend, after all," he winked, to which she laughed.

"Well, thank you for making him stay. I should get going. But, it was nice meeting you," she said, shaking his hand.

"Nice meeting you too," he replied, and then she was gone, Zeus pulling her off to another section of the beach. All too late, Derek wondered why he'd never asked for her name. Even now, four years later, he still couldn't figure out why he hadn't asked her name; especially since she continued to stay at the forefront of his mind for the rest of that blazing August month. For another month and a half, she was just the pretty girl with the blonde hair and the golden retriever. He kept hoping he'd see her again, but he was never sure if he would.

* * *

><p>Then suddenly it was September, the middle of September to be exact, and the rain had started pouring from the gray Seattle clouds like their lives depended on it. The colors of the leaves were changing with autumn as Derek walked into the grocery store, hands kept warm in his pockets as he headed to the back to grab a gallon of milk. He wasn't much of a cook, which wasn't surprising anyway, but it was alright as long as he had instant noodles and frozen TV dinners and cereal. He happened to be running low on milk though, with boxes of cereal to spare, so that rainy afternoon he'd forced himself out of the house to stock up. He was forever glad he did.<p>

"_Thanks," he smiled at the cashier before walking out the doors and back into the cold weather, stuffing the receipt into his pocket just as his eyes caught on a blonde figure struggling with an armful of groceries. The rain falling hard now, Derek frowned, not wanting this damsel in distress to continue on being distressed. "Here, let me help you with that," he called out as he approached her, relieving her of a few paper bags of dog food and other dog related items._

"_Oh, thank you," his damsel said, turning her face towards him and brushing a strand of hair from her forehead. Derek was immediately taken aback, recognizing her almost immediately even though she'd ditched the dress and hat for jeans and a raincoat._

"_You're welcome," he marveled, handing her the items she'd purchased bag by bag until they were safely in her trunk._

"_Again, thank you. It's not every day a stranger helps me out," she laughed, and Derek joined in, although his mind was still preoccupied by the fact that she was actually in front of him again, instead of on the beach like he'd relived so many times._

"_I um," he paused, and she looked up at him expectantly. Did she really not recognize him? "We met, earlier. In the summer. August, on the beach. You were walking your dog and he ran up to me…" Derek trailed off; embarrassed by the funny look she was giving him._

_She laughed lightly, tilting her head to study him._

"_You don't remember me, do you? D***, am I really that forgettable?" He laughed nervously._

"_Oh, you're blushing," she pointed out, making him laugh nervously some more. "Can you—can you take off your hood for a second?"_

_He obliged her strange request, pulling off the hood. He would come to realize that he'd do just about anything for her._

"_It's the hair," she said, giggling at his blank expression. "Of course you're not that forgettable. I recognized you, I just didn't know if you recognized me."_

"_It's hard to miss those blue eyes," he said simply, relieved that he hadn't made a total fool of himself. It was her turn to blush, much to Derek's amusement, and he could feel himself relaxing and reclaiming his game. "Derek," he said, extending his hand to her for the second time in his life._

"_Meredith," she said, taking his hand and giving it a shake._

It was so much different that second time. For one, the weather had been different—rain soaked through his hair and their clothes, the wind whistled through the trees. And two, he knew that he'd be seeing her again. He'd given her a smile, both of them aware that the handshake was lasting much too long, but not caring one bit. It was serendipity.

* * *

><p>Now present day, Derek walked through the glass doors of SGMW, shaking off his umbrella from the onslaught of rain. Today was the day. Four years. Mark approached him in the lobby, falling into step beside him as they headed towards the elevator. Once inside, Derek stood there silently, watching the numbers indicating the floors passing by while Mark coughed next to him.<p>

"So, today."

"Yeah, today."

"Do you need some time?" Mark asked, not even waiting for an answer before he pulled the emergency button. The elevator came to a halt, softly humming while Derek stood there still, before his face crumpled and he had to turn to the back wall to hide his emotions. Mark stood there next to him, just standing with his arms crossed, while Derek collected himself.

Rubbing his eyes and taking in a deep breath, Derek once again faced forward. "Okay."

Mark nodded, pushing the button again, and the elevator resumed its pace. "When are you going to tell her?" He asked eventually, as the elevator doors reopened.

"Tell who?" Derek asked, walking out of the confined space to get onto his day's work.

* * *

><p>"Today," Meredith said aloud when she woke up, a little after 10am. Like saying it out loud would make it hurt less. Her head was pounding, but not from a hangover. It was just a migraine, and the drinking would come tonight. She'd nicknamed the day as "drinking day", fondly so. She always got unbearably drunk on the 31st of January, after struggling through the whole day with an aching heart. She always felt like she was done with trying, but she never was.<p>

"God, I need to get to work," she muttered, pressing her hand to her forehead with her eyes shut tightly, as if she could somehow contain the headache or make it go away.

After a quick shower and a few cups of coffee, she made it into work, pulling on her lab coat as she walked down the hall. "Dr. Grey," she heard the Chief of Surgery calling, but she ignored the voice and kept walking. "Dr. Grey," the Chief said again, and Meredith reluctantly turned around.

"Good morning, Dr. James," she said as brightly as possible, giving the business-dressed, high powered brunette a smile.

"Why are you here, Meredith?" Katherine James asked, sighing as she regarded the blonde doctor standing before her. "You took the day off; you always take this day off."

"And I always end up coming in," Meredith said, which was true. She always came into work, even though she always requested this day off. Surgery distracted her, and that was good.

Katherine sighed again, giving Meredith a wary smile as she nodded. "Okay. Go, don't make me regret letting you work today." She'd said the same thing for the past four years, and Meredith had never disappointed her once. A part of her wondered what the resident had against this last day in the month of January, but Katherine James wasn't one to poke around and ask questions.

Meredith let out a sigh of relief as she headed back in the direction she'd been walking down before Katherine had stopped her. For some reason every year she was always afraid Katherine would turn her away, but she never did. Although she'd never properly expressed her thanks to the Chief, Meredith was grateful.

In truth, it was too hard for her to deal with all the emotions surrounding this day. When it came down to it, she blamed herself for what had happened, and that just made everything harder. Most days, Meredith Grey held an impossible amount of regret for the choices she'd made. Four years later, and it still never hurt any less.


	2. Chapter 2

[2] {Thank you for the reviews! Inspired me to bump up the schedule and post chapter 2.}

The elevator was calm, the elevator was quiet. She could think in here. And if she had to cry, she could pull the emergency button and she could cry in peace. It didn't matter that no one was here to comfort her; Meredith had learned to comfort herself.

And in a flash, her hand reached out, using the button to stop the elevator's steady motion. The elevator kiss. She remembered it so suddenly that it took her by surprise, so much that she had to sink to the floor because it felt like her knees were going to give out underneath her.

"_I didn't know you were a doctor," Derek chuckled, from his spot behind her._

"_Did you have to?" She asked, facing forward with a smile playing on her lips._

"_No," he said, his voice suddenly much closer because he'd moved right behind her. "But I do now." His voice was low, his breath hot against her neck. They stayed there for a few seconds, frozen in place before Meredith pulled the emergency button in a sudden movement, spinning around and pulling Derek's face towards hers._

_She didn't know how long the kiss lasted, only that when she began to pull away, Derek only pulled her closer. Their tongues fought for control like an elaborate dance, leaving Meredith breathless as Derek won out. His laugh spurred her on for round two, and this time it was her turn to win. He chuckled again, pulling back and shaking his head, wide grin on his face. "We need to go to work," he said, and she smiled, untangling her hands from his hair._

"_We do," she said, allowing the elevator to move forward again, using the little time left to straighten out her hair and her scrub top._

"_I'll call you later?" Derek called out after her as she headed in the other direction. She didn't respond, just kept walking, because she didn't want him to see the giddy smile written all over her face._

* * *

><p>"How was your surgery?" Mark was asking, maybe for the second time now as Derek sipped from his coffee absentmindedly—the coffee that had also been given to him by Mark.<p>

"It was good," Derek said, walking into the cafeteria with Mark trailing close behind.

"How's the coffee?" Mark asked.

"Good, also," Derek said, and when he let out a short laugh, Mark grinned. His efforts had gotten a laugh out of Derek on January 31, and that was good.

"How's lunch?"

"It'll be good, when I get my hands on some food," Derek shook his head, trying to suppress his grin at his best friend's antics. "You don't have to babysit, Mark. I don't need to be babysat."

"Yeah, but you do," Mark said seriously, tossing an egg salad sandwich onto Derek's tray. "Eat it, it'll be good for you," he commanded, and Derek just rolled his eyes.

The two surgeons sat down at an empty table across from each other, not talking for the first few minutes as each dove in on the food piled high on their trays. Mark was glad to see that even with the sad look in Derek's eyes, at least his appetite hadn't changed much. It was probably male surgeon thing.

"What are your plans for tonight?" Mark spoke up when he saw Derek starting on his dessert, chocolate cake—placed there by Mark, of course.

"The usual," Derek mumbled, plastic fork in his hand.

Mark sighed. "The usual" meant drinking at Joe's until some crazy late hour. One year Joe even let Derek stay late after closing time, just because the bar owner knew how much Meredith had meant to the neurosurgeon with the great hair.

"How about a change this year?" He asked, trying like he did every year.

"Mark, you know the drill," Derek said, tired now, pushing his cake away. Mark pushed it back.

"We could watch a stupid movie, eat popcorn. Uh, talk. Like girls," Mark suggested, but he knew that even the simple act of getting Derek to finish his chocolate cake was already a huge feat accomplished. He sighed again, and Derek looked up. "So, you're drinking at Joe's then?"

"Yeah. Drinking at Joe's."

"I'll join you." He'd admitted defeat, but drinking with Derek was better than leaving Derek to drink alone. At least this way he could somewhat keep an eye on his best friend who was still suffering from a broken heart, four years later.

* * *

><p>There was this… thing that Meredith did in surgery. As Derek scrubbed into his craniotomy, standing over the open brain in the OR, he let himself go on autopilot just to remember the "thing" Meredith did. He'd done countless craniotomies anyway, and he knew that nothing would happen to his patient's brain even if he decided to take a trip down memory lane. There weren't a lot of times where Derek actively chose to remember something about Meredith, so if he wanted to, he always let himself.<p>

She would ask one question, just one, and then she'd be almost silent for the rest of the surgery. It was amazing. All she needed to do was ask one question, and then she'd know her surgical plan throughout the rest of the OR time. Her talent was impeccable. And even though she'd just been an intern, Derek could tell that she'd be a great surgeon. A great neurosurgeon. Today, he let himself wonder where she was, and what she was doing. Was she doing okay? Was she happy? He hoped so. Even though his heart still hurt endlessly, he hoped that she at least had a smile on her face.

* * *

><p>"Are you going home early, Dr. Grey?" Katherine asked, standing over a heart in her OR.<p>

"I'm sorry?" Meredith asked, thoroughly fascinated by the organ in front of her, even though her specialty was leaning heavily towards neuro.

"I'm just wondering if you're going to leave work early," Katherine said, her careful hands repairing the heart before her.

"Oh, no. Why would I?" Meredith glanced up at her superior. Katherine had never asked her this before, and Meredith wasn't quite sure where the attending was going. For one, it was an honor to assist in the OR with Dr. Katherine James, cardiothoracic surgeon and Chief of Surgery at one of New York's finest hospitals, if not the finest. Two, Katherine hardly asked personal questions.

"To drink," Katherine said simply, lifting her eyes to look at Meredith's confused expression.

"N-no, Dr. James. I'm not leaving early," Meredith recovered after a few seconds, looking back down at the heart that had almost been fully repaired.

"Good," Katherine nodded. "Will you close?"

"Of course," Meredith murmured respectfully, watching Katherine's retreating figure back into the scrub room.

* * *

><p>It was 9pm when Meredith finally walked into the local bar, finding herself a spot at the counter and sliding into it. Yes, she was drinking, but at least she hadn't left early. "Tequila shot, please." She'd spent an hour just sitting in her car—not crying, just sitting. The crying would come later. She'd sat and closed her eyes and reminisced on all the good things that made up Derek Shepherd, only stopping when it got too painful to remember and she needed alcohol to drown out her thoughts.<p>

"That stuff's strong," the bartender commented as Meredith slammed back the shot and flipped the glass over, requesting another one immediately after.

"I'm well aware," she said, smiling at him. Her lips were curved up, but her eyes still appeared uncharacteristically dull.

"You look sad," the bartender, Max (from his name tag), commented again as Meredith slammed back her second shot.

"Maybe that's because I am," Meredith replied. "Keep them coming, Max."

He stared at her, really trying to study her before he gave up. She was just the girl with the sad eyes, who came in quite often. She stayed later on this day though, and he couldn't figure out why. "Only because it's my job," he relented, pouring her another. "So, why are you so sad?"

"Life hasn't been kind to me," she shrugged.

"It's never kind to any of us," he told her, handing her another shot before she even asked. She laughed at this—she had a nice laugh—before tipping back her fourth shot. She had to be tipsy by now, but if she was, she didn't show it.

"Why this day?" He asked next, handing her the fifth glass.

"Now that, my dear Max, makes too many questions."

* * *

><p>"Ready to go?" Mark was waiting by the front door when Derek showed up, umbrella in hand once again.<p>

"Babysitting again?" Derek remarked, smirking as he walked out into the rain with his friend.

"Are we going to share an umbrella?" Mark asked, walking closer to Derek, who was laughing under his breath.

"D*** right we are." He walked faster towards his car, tossing Mark the keys because he already knew that he'd be too drunk to drive home later that night. He was always too drunk to drive home on the early morning of February 1, having survived January 31 for what would be the fourth year in the row. If he wasn't, he hadn't done his job properly. He needed to drink. It was the only thing that seemed to numb the ache in his chest. And no, he wasn't proud of how dependent he'd come to be on alcohol. He would never let himself become an alcoholic (and come to think of it, Mark wouldn't allow it either), but Derek admitted that some nights, all he wanted to do was drown out his feelings with a bottle of scotch.


	3. Chapter 3

[3] {Shorter chapter and no school today, so I thought I'd post for you all. Appreciate the reviews immensely, they're actually what motivates me to update so soon!}

It was a little after midnight when Meredith finally stumbled out of the bar and into the cab Max had so nicely called for her. She rambled off her address to the driver, who pulled away from the curb and told her that she looked like she'd had a night of fun—referring to all the alcohol he could tell she'd consumed.

"I wouldn't say that much," Meredith mumbled, feeling the migraine from this morning returning to her head.

"You wouldn't say that much what?" The driver flicked his eyes up to the rearview mirror, where an inebriated Meredith sat with her hands in her lap.

"I wouldn't go so far as to say I had fun," she muttered, looking out the window to avoid his sympathetic gaze.

"You look like you've been hurting," he mentioned, averting his eyes back to the road. He drove a lot of people home, drunk after a night of partying or pity-partying. She looked empty.

"Yeah, well," Meredith said, starting to giggle despite herself. "Oh, who would've guessed that I'd end up like this? It's funny, that's what it is. Really funny. You know, Max does call the best cabs doesn't he? Look at you, caring about me. You don't even know me." She sighed, her face serious again as she shook her head at herself. "I am a mess."

The cab driver gave her another sympathetic smile, pulling up in front of her apartment, a large and tall building that reflected upscale Manhattan, New York.

"Thanks," Meredith said, handing him the money she owed as she cautiously climbed out of the cab.

"You look sad," he said, watching her stand on her own two feet wobbling, to say the least.

"People need to stop saying that," Meredith replied, closing the door and turning to head inside. She used the wall as her support while she carefully made her way to her apartment, although she didn't care much about what happened to her. She could collapse in the middle of the hallway and not mind as long as it stopped her heart from feeling like it was breaking. But, she was never that lucky. After a few tries, she inserted her key into the lock and stepped inside her apartment, turning on the light and locking the door behind her. She leaned against the cool door and closed her eyes, fighting the migraine and the alcohol as best she could.

After awhile, she pushed herself to her bedroom, where she changed into that Dartmouth t-shirt Derek loved so much, pulling on a pair of pajama pants as well. She brushed her teeth in the bathroom, even though she wasn't going to be kissing anyone that night. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, Meredith almost didn't even recognize herself. She looked like someone who'd never been loved, but in reality she knew that wasn't true. Derek had loved her so much. And in the end, she'd thrown it all away.

It was almost 12:30am by now, and in her head Meredith immediately knew that it was 9:30pm in Seattle. Was he still there, though? Or had he left, chased away because she'd broken his heart and he couldn't stand to be in that same city anymore? Was he drinking? Or did he not even care, didn't need alcohol to soothe his hurting heart?

She would never know. And anyway, Meredith wasn't sure if she wanted to. She didn't know if her heart could take any more pain.

She crawled into bed, pulling the covers all the way up to her chin and turning off the light. It hurt to remember that if she hadn't walked away, Derek would be sleeping next to her. And she'd most likely be in Seattle—she'd loved it there. The rain, the snow, the sun, everything. She'd really loved it there, and not just because of Derek either. And then the tears came, but Meredith had been waiting for them; a box of tissues was right next to her bed. She cried and she cried, the tears soaking the tissues and her pillow, not like she cared. Nothing mattered much anymore. She'd broken the heart of the man she still loved, and her pride was getting in the way of her going back.

* * *

><p>"Don't you think that's enough?" Mark muttered, as Derek ordered another scotch and prepared to drink it much too fast than Mark would like him to down alcohol.<p>

"You always say that," Derek looked at his best friend, but for Mark's sake, he slowed down a tad.

"I say a lot of things, but it's not like you listen," Mark replied, taking another small sip from his beer. He'd ordered one, but he knew that he wouldn't even have finished half of the alcohol when the night was over. He never did; he just spent the whole time making sure Derek didn't do anything too stupid. When Derek ignored him, he added, "You know, normally I'd be picking up girls like it's nobody's business, but you always ruin that for me on this day."

"Ha," Derek scoffed. "It's okay, you never have any trouble taking home girls. I'm sure you'll make up for it tomorrow."

"I think I'll pass tomorrow," Mark said, at random. "I miss her too, you know. She was like a little sister to me."

Derek shook his head as a sign for Mark to stop, but he couldn't help but add, "A little sister? You thought she was hot."

"That I did," Mark laughed. "But she was like my little sister."

Derek knocked back the rest of his drink, wincing as it burned down his throat. "Let's go home." He smirked at Mark's genuinely surprised expression, and while Mark sat there just staring at Derek, Derek paid for both their drinks.

"Derek Shepherd, leaving Joe's early?"

"Don't mock me, Sloan," Derek chided, shoving his hands in his pockets as he left the bar counter.

"And you didn't have to pay for the drinks. Tonight's about you. I pay. I always pay," Mark said, following him out of the bar, but not before waving goodbye to Joe, who looked equally surprised that the pair was leaving early.

"Well, I told you I don't need to be babysat. I'm still too drunk to drive home though."

"Yeah," Mark agreed, looking at Derek skeptically. "You don't sound drunk, though."

"That's because I haven't even had half the drinks I usually have. And this broken heart keeps me sober." He patted his chest, grinning, making a joke. Mark rolled his eyes, getting into Derek's car and starting up the engine.

"Why don't we ever take my car? You're always too drunk to drive," he complained, pulling up to the intersection and glancing over at Derek, who was sitting there quietly.

"Because tonight's about me," he grinned, throwing Mark's words back at him.

"Ha, that's funny, Shepherd. Apparently you're a funny drunk tonight."

"I'm still drunk," Derek sighed, the emotional hole in his chest acting up once again. Mark only nodded, accelerating a bit to get them home faster. Mark had always been fond of Derek's penthouse that overlooked the Space Needle. It had a breathtaking view, and large glass windows that let you take advantage of that gorgeous view. Mark was sure that Derek would've been more than happy to stay in that small, cramped trailer of his, but Mark wouldn't allow it. Not after Meredith left, not ever after Meredith left. He was intent on putting his best friend back together. Four years later, and he was still working at it. Anyway though, he knew that the trailer wouldn't have helped much, which was why he made Derek buy the penthouse. For starters, it was much brighter, and Mark was pretty sure Derek needed all the bright and shiny in his life that he could get.

"Here we are," Derek yelled, clearly drunk as he stumbled into his home, Mark trailing in shortly after. "Home sweet home!"

Mark chuckled, shoving Derek in the direction of his bedroom. "Just get to bed," he instructed, going to sit in the living room while Derek was supposedly getting ready to sleep. He was never longer than ten minutes; Mark knew that with the way he felt, Derek wanted to sleep as quickly as possible. After 15, Mark knocked lightly on his friend's door before pushing it open. "Hey, I think I'm just going to stay in the guest room tonight." One glance at Derek told Mark that his friend was already asleep, sprawled under the covers like a big baby. Good, it was for the best anyway. Any longer awake and the memories would come flooding back heavier than they did on another other day of the year.

He headed quietly into the guest bedroom, and after changing into the spare pair of pajamas he kept there, as well as brushing his teeth and getting a glass of water, Mark headed to bed himself. "You don't know how much you're killing him, Grey," he sighed, setting his alarm to make sure he'd be up before Derek, and promptly falling asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

[4] {Today's absolutely gorgeous and I haven't updated in a week, so thank you for waiting patiently and also for the reviews. I don't know how I've gained such wonderful readers. Enjoy!}

The alarm blared through her sound sleep, and Meredith groaned, rolling over to turn it off. She was wide awake by now though; she never was able to fall asleep again after being woken. "6:45am in the morning," she groaned, sitting up. To her relief, the migraine had evaded her sometime in the night, and she wasn't hungover either. Although that wasn't really much of a surprise—Meredith Grey hardly ever had hangovers anymore, too used to the taste of tequila by now. Four years.

She did her best not to think about Derek as she got out of bed and brushed out her hair. She slipped on jeans and a sweater before heading to work, grabbing a coffee on her way there. In the back of her mind she wondered if the Chief of Surgery would have any other interesting questions on the tip of her tongue today.

* * *

><p>Mark didn't even bother to knock on Derek's door, instead he just walked right in and opened the blinds, pulling back the covers shortly after. "We have work to get to," he said loudly, and Derek groaned in response. "Come on Shepherd, you're stronger than this," Mark added, equally as loud, if not louder.<p>

Derek groaned again, chucking a pillow which Mark successfully dodged. "It's over," Derek mumbled, as Mark tossed a shirt and a pair of jeans at his head. "It's February today. It's over."

"Yeah," Mark said, sitting down on Derek's bed while the two men thought of Meredith Grey and how much havoc she'd wreaked in their lives. "Okay," Mark said, snapping out of it and clapping Derek on the back. "Like I said, we have work to get to."

* * *

><p>"Morning, Dr. Grey," the voice of Dr. James was in front of her, and Meredith looked up, giving the Chief a smile.<p>

"Good morning," she said politely. "Any interesting cases today?"

"Like always," Katherine laughed, watching as Meredith's mouth smiled but her eyes hardly matched. She was about to leave, turning 180 degrees when she stopped, turning back. "Look, I don't usually stick my nose into other people's business but, are you okay?" She placed a hand on the chart Meredith was scribbling on, to make sure she had the resident's attention.

Meredith paused, pen poised over paper, before looking back up at Katherine. "I'm fine," she said. "Thank you, though. For your concern."

Katherine looked like she didn't believe one word that came out of Meredith's mouth, but she let it go. "Good," she nodded, as Meredith went back to her charts. "Because I have an important assignment for you, and I'm not going to hand it over if you're not feeling your best."

Meredith looked up, all of a sudden interested at the opportunity Katherine was about to present her with. She was sure that it would be good; after all, Dr. Katherine James never disappointed anyone, let alone someone who worked in her prestigious hospital.

"Ever heard of Seattle Grace Mercy West? No, of course you have, it's exactly like this hospital but just on the west coast," Katherine was saying, laughing at her own rhetorical question. Meredith just nodded, forcing a laugh too although an anxious feeling was building in the pit of her stomach as she listened to Katherine talk.

"I need you to go there, look into a heart they're offering to one of my patients. It's Thomas Grant, he spends most of his time here lately. He has this critical heart condition…" At this, Meredith's body and brain went on auto pilot. She nodded at all the right parts, as if on cue, but her mind was elsewhere. She couldn't go to SGMW, not when she'd left planning to never look back. And not when she risked seeing Derek there, after all these years. She couldn't do it; already the prospect of it made her stomach twist uncomfortably.

"I'm not, I don't even… with all due respect, Dr. James, I'm not planning on going into cardio," Meredith murmured, desperately trying to wiggle her way out of it and pretend she hadn't been completely intrigued before Katherine said the words, "Seattle Grace Mercy West".

"I'm well aware," Katherine smiled. "Don't you think I know what my residents are planning on getting fellowships in? Dr. Grey," she said, all business now. "You're my best fifth year, arguably my favorite. And Mr. Grant? He's a very dear patient to me. I can't just trust his heart with any fifth year. Do you understand?"

Meredith nodded meekly, letting out a small sigh that went unnoticed by Katherine. "Of course." She knew that she was playing with fire by agreeing, but Katherine had done so much for her. Even discarding the fact that Meredith was Ellis Grey's daughter, Katherine had let Meredith into New York Medical so smoothly that Meredith sometimes felt like she actually belonged there. She knew she didn't, that no place would ever amount to what Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital meant to her, but she was still appreciative of how quickly Katherine James had let her into their residency program. NYM was an amazing hospital, and one of the hardest to be accepted into. You had to be the best of the best. And with one look at Meredith, who'd shown up unexpected in Katherine's office four years ago, Katherine had allowed her into the program. She didn't ask questions, didn't comment on how Meredith looked so broken and like a shell of a person. Katherine could tell that Meredith had nowhere else to go, that she needed something or someone or anything, and she'd allowed NYM to become a sort of shelter for the blonde who'd just finished her internship.

"Good." Katherine smiled, glad that Meredith had accepted. "The flight and hotel stay will be paid for by the hospital, of course. You won't have to worry about a thing, and you should be back in a week, given that there are no complications here with Mr. Grant, and there with our prospective heart. Oh," she said, something coming back to her suddenly. "If I remember correctly, you completed your internship in Seattle? I'm sure this visit will bring back some fond memories."

"I sure hope so," Meredith said quietly, giving the Chief of Surgery another small smile again before she was left standing alone with her charts. Fond memories meant Derek Shepherd, and she didn't know how she would ever face him again. She bit her lip, the deepest sigh in her heart. She wasn't sure she could do this, but she'd agreed. There wouldn't be any backing out now, she knew that much.

* * *

><p>She went home early that night, sinking into an oversized armchair with a plate of pasta in hand. She didn't cook all too often, but she figured that with her visit to Seattle in the near future, she could do with a good night of attempting to relax. She let herself turn on the TV, flipping through the channels until she found a show she enjoyed. For a moment, Meredith could pretend that she wasn't damaged and hurting on the inside. For a moment, she could pretend that life was good. Placing some pasta in her mouth, Meredith felt another memory sliding to the front of her mind. She muted the TV and closed her eyes, smiling faintly at the memory of Derek saying her name.<p>

"_Meredith," Derek called down the hall, catching up with her with a grin on his face. "You didn't pick up when I called last night."_

"_No, I didn't," Meredith smiled. "I was asleep."_

"_Oh, we're lying now, are we?" Derek chuckled, looking around him before he pulled her into an on-call room and locked the door._

"_Dr. Shepherd, what are you doing?" Meredith laughed softly, quietly, still afraid that someone would hear them._

"_You kissed me—it was a great kiss, by the way," Derek said simply, crossing his arms. "And I said I'd call you, and then you ignored my call. What's a guy supposed to think?"_

_She rolled her eyes at his grin, crossing her own arms in return. "I'm very sorry, Dr. Shepherd. It won't happen again," she said, a smile playing on her lips._

"_Good," he replied, uncrossing his arms and letting them drop to his sides. "So, can I kiss you again?"_

_He'd always been so smooth. She laughed, placing her hands on his shoulders and taking a step forward. He held her gaze steady the entire time, a chuckle escaping from his lips as she said, "Yes, you can." She barely had time to get out her sentence before his lips were pressed against her, kiss after kiss until she thought her lips might be numb. Finally, he released her, and she looked up at him in bewilderment, never having been kissed like that before._

"_You know I would've kissed you anyway, right? Even if you'd said 'no'?" His grin was contagious, she couldn't help but smile right along with him._

"_They call you McDreamy." The nickname slipped out of her mouth easily; it wasn't the first time she'd referred to him as that._

"_Who?" He asked, brows furrowed together, mildly confused._

"_Everyone," Meredith waved her hand, laughing at his expression as he struggled to follow her train of thought. "The nurses, the interns, the residents. Some of the patients. You're Dr. McDreamy."_

"_Aha," he chuckled, finally catching on. "That's news to me."_

_She laughed, planting another kiss on his lips. "I'm just saying, I finally understand why now. The whole McDreamy thing. I see it now."_

"_You're lying again," he told her, still grinning as she moved to open the door and step back into the hospital hallway. "You saw it before."_

* * *

><p>She'd fallen asleep somehow, after the memory. And although she woke up with a smile on her face, reliving Derek's deep kisses, Meredith instantly knew that she needed a drink. It always hurt more after she remembered something so good, so pure, so innocent—because she also remembered that she was the one who ruined it all. She needed a drink.<p>

Max noticed her almost immediately after she sat down at the counter, same spot as yesterday. "Tequila?" He asked, and she nodded. Meredith stacked up three empty glasses before she glanced up at Max, biting her lip nervously. Almost automatically, he stocked her up with another shot, but this time Meredith didn't knock it back so quickly.

"Max," she said, wishing she was more drunk.

"Yes, doctor?"

She frowned, laughing a bit before asking, "How did you know I was a doctor?"

"You came in dressed in scrubs one time," he grinned, filling up someone else's apple martini while he talked. "I figured you could be a nurse, but you're too smart for that

"I wouldn't say that," she said, making a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. "Smart people don't come to bars this often, do they?"

"You never know," he told her honestly, and she smiled.

She emptied her shot glass before returning back to the subject that had originally been on her mind, before Max called her "doctor". "Max," she said again, and he glanced up at her, nodding for her to go on. "Would you think I'm terribly crazy if I said I needed a friend?"

He chuckled, handing her another shot of tequila against his best interests. "No, I wouldn't think you're terribly crazy."

"Okay," Meredith sighed, her voice higher pitched because she was tipsy. "I need a friend," she said very matter-of-factly, causing Max to grin.

"I can see that," he told her, watching as Meredith played with her shot glass, the tequila finding a way to stay confined in its container even though she was tilting it from side to side.

"I think you'd make a really great friend," she added.

"I am a really great friend," he agreed, trying to decide whether he should take back the tequila. She looked like she'd had enough to drink for the night, especially after last night's unbelievable amount of alcohol, especially for someone so petite.

"Are you gay?" She blurted out, and he laughed. She laughed along with him, although he doubted she really knew what was going on.

"No," he shook his head, still chuckling to himself. "I'm not gay."

"Good." Meredith frowned, squinting up at Max in the bar lighting. "Or, not good. I don't know, is that good? That you're not gay? I've never had a gay friend," she said, her tone almost wistful as she made a face.

"It's good," Max grinned. "I'm glad I'm not gay. I'm very into women."

"Okay," Meredith said, picking up her shot between her thumb and pointer finger. "Max," she mumbled, and he nodded to show she had his attention. "Don't," she paused, jabbing a finger at a guy down the bar. "… Let me leave with that guy."

He laughed again, reaching over the counter to pluck the shot from her hand, much to her indignation. "Then you better not drink this."

She frowned again, mumbling, "I don't know why I can't have tequila and not go home with that guy." Another jab at the stranger. "I don't know why I can't have my cake and eat it too."

"You, doctor, are clearly drunk. My shift is over early tonight, how about I take you home?" Max offered, dumping her tequila down the sink.

"Okay," Meredith agreed. "But not to my bed. You don't get to take me to my bed. And Meredith. Meredith Grey. The doctor's name is Meredith."

Max laughed again, and Meredith noted in her drunken state that he had a nice laugh. "Oh, don't worry, Meredith. I'm not going to take you home to your bed, don't you worry." She looked sad to him—she probably looked sad to anyone who had a pair of working eyes. And Max wanted to fix her. He didn't really do the "fixing" thing, he was a guy, but looking at Meredith leaning her head down on the counter in front of him, Max knew that he would come to care for her probably too much. That was part of his character: he cared. Despite the fact that he was a guy, he really cared about people, and he knew that she'd come to see that.


	5. Chapter 5

[5] {Feel free to think of Max as Matt Bomer. You're welcome.}

Keeping to his word, Max succeeded in successfully escorting an inebriated Meredith back to her apartment complex. She didn't know how he did it—Meredith had been told she was quite the handful when she'd consumed tequila—but somehow Max watched her carefully while she unlocked her door and stumbled into her living accommodation. "You need to sleep," he said at once, all-business while Meredith collapsed onto her bed. "Promise me you're going to bed," he ordered, satisfied when she seemed to have fallen asleep the minute her head hit the pillow "Night, doctor," he said, his voice a softer tone as he tucked the covers around her chin and left her apartment.

Meredith woke up the next morning with a mild headache, initially unsure of how she'd gotten back home in one piece. With the way she'd been feeling lately, she just didn't care about anything anymore. She could end up on the side of the street, alone, and it still wouldn't matter to her; she'd already lost the one person who'd ever held a special place in her heart. And it'd been the consequences of her reckless actions. She just wasn't known for thinking before acting.

"Oh. Max." She mumbled plainly, falling back onto her sheets while bits and pieces of her conversation with the bartender last night came back. No, maybe he shouldn't be referred to as "the bartender" anymore. Apparently, drunk on tequila, Meredith had asked "the bartender" to be her friend. "Let's just stick with the name 'Max'," she muttered to herself, forcing her aching body off the bed and into the bathroom.

* * *

><p>The coffee burned his tongue all too quickly, not even giving Derek a chance to enjoy the flavor before he pulled the cup away from his lips. "Hot," the volume of his voice rose, earning a chuckle from Mark.<p>

"She was always telling you to wait until it cooled down," Mark responded, the words leaving his mouth before he even realized what he was saying. "Sorry," he caught himself, glancing over sideways at Derek while they entered the elevator.

"No big deal," Derek lied. Mark slipped up a lot; it was habit for him to think of Derek without Meredith attached. Everything was still "Derek and Meredith" in his brain, even though it'd been four years since he'd even seen the couple—ex-couple—together.

The floors went by one by one, the indicator on top of the doors flashing from one number to the next. "I miss her," Derek blurted out, and immediately, Mark's hand reached out to pull the emergency stop button. "I miss her," Derek repeated, talking over the soothing hum of the elevator. "She's… it's like she's everywhere. Four years, Mark," he turned to the plastics surgeon standing next to him. "Four d*** years, and she's still everywhere. I can't get her out of my head."

"You don't have to," was his best friend's reply, and Derek just nodded. He let themselves stand there in the silence for a few more seconds before his own hand moved, and the elevator started up again.

* * *

><p>Meredith's fingers moved quickly as she sewed up a line of tight, neat stitches, closing up her patient while nurses and interns moved around in the OR. Tying up the last stitch, she stepped back so she could take a closer look at her work. "Mark Sloan would be proud," she found herself saying, and an intern interested in plastics glanced up.<p>

"You know Mark Sloan?" He asked, his intrigue apparent.

"Oh, no," Meredith said quickly, mentally kicking herself for the lie. "I mean, yes. I do. Kind of. It's complicated," she explained, while really not explaining anything at all. Ignoring the intern's prying expression, Meredith walked into the scrub room, removing and disposing of her mask and gloves while she scrubbed out. 3,000 miles away, even Mark Sloan's name had a way of catching up to her.

_"Have we met before?" The tall and handsome doctor asked, standing in front of her with two coffees in his hand. He handed her one with a wink, and although Meredith wasn't interested in the wink, she took the coffee anyway. She'd stayed up all night on-call, and the coffee would do wonders for her attention span this morning._

_"I don't think so, Dr.," she paused, purposefully glancing at his name tag on his lab coat, "Sloan."_

_"Ha," he chuckled, taking a sip from his coffee. "Don't pretend like you haven't heard of me."_

_Meredith laughed, shifting the hot coffee to her other hand. "I've heard of you. But no, we haven't met before." She gave him a smile, raising her eyebrows teasingly. Of course she'd heard of Mark Sloan. Not only was he one of the best plastics surgeons in the country, but he was also Derek's best friend; and a massive player from the looks of it._

_"That's too bad. We could've had real fun, if we'd met before." Mark shook his head, hiding his grin in vain._

_"Maybe," Meredith shrugged. "But I have to say, I'm seeing someone already. Sorry, Dr. Sloan."_

_"Really?" Mark asked, genuinely interested. He'd never seen the intern before, and although she _was_ just an intern at the bottom of the surgical food chain, he was certain that he would've remembered her face. She looked like the kind of girl that people didn't forget too often. Anyway though, he hadn't seen her—which most likely meant that she was new, possibly even new to Seattle. Seeing someone? He was impressed._

_"Really," Meredith grinned, before turning on her heel and walking away from him._

_"Hey," Mark yelled out after her, and she turned and began to walk backwards while he spoke. "Where are you going?"_

_"I'm an intern, Dr. Sloan. I have rounds!"_

* * *

><p>There was nothing special about this particular evening, but for once, Meredith didn't mind so much that the only thing waiting for her at her apartment was a bottle of tequila. But despite her readiness to just get home and fall asleep under her covers, the moment her foot hit the gas pedal, Meredith's mind wandered over to Derek. It was a familiar path that her thoughts were used to taking, and she was hardly surprised when she found herself walking into the bar once again.<p>

She was already seated at the counter when she remembered her prior evening's encounter with Max, and when the bartender appeared before her with a shot of tequila in his hand, Meredith's cheeks flushed a shade of pink.

"Hey, doctor," he grinned, setting the shot before her. Meredith rolled her eyes, forcing the smile off her lips as she left the shot untouched.

"I vaguely remember telling you last night that my name is Meredith," she replied, her smile appearing despite her best efforts to act serious.

"Oh," Max snapped his fingers. "That's right. You told me your name, and also not to take you home to your bed."

Her cheeks flushed again, and Meredith knocked her shot back before replying, "I did, didn't I? What else did I say?" She was clearly embarrassed. Throughout her four years in New York completing her residency, Meredith hadn't made one solid friend—that on its own was embarrassing enough. To think that she might've begged Max to be her friend was a little too much to bear, especially since he knew her as the doctor who came in for tequila too often than not.

"You asked me to be your friend." Max's tone was gentler now, with an edge of softness to it in an attempt to relax Meredith's tense nerves.

"Another shot," she responded, raising her eyebrows when Max didn't even begin to comply. "Aren't you supposed to be the bartender?" She asked, trying to act annoyed to hide her embarrassment.

"Just your friend," he responded, looking her dead in the eye. His blue eyes locked on hers for a few seconds before he filled up another shot glass and slid it across the counter. Meredith wrapped her fingers around the glass, squinting in the slightest bit as she studied Max's expression. She had a knack for finding flaws and deception in people, but she couldn't find one thing about Max that said he wasn't genuine. He saw how much he drank and she was sure he'd assumed that she was pretty d*** screwed up. And yet, he still wanted to be her friend. She hated to admit it, but the way he was looking at her made her believe that he wanted to be there for her. She'd spent the past four years pushing people away, and despite her best judgments, Meredith didn't want to let this one opportunity for friendship go.

"Okay. Friends."

* * *

><p>As always, the best laid plans go askew. This cliché ran through Derek's mind as he flipped his pillow over when the first side became too warm for his liking. Then when he remembered how much Meredith hated when he did that—some kind of adorable OCD thing she insisted on—he flipped it back over, choosing to endure the heat pressing into his cheek than to undermine a quality that made Meredith, Meredith.<p>

He'd planned on spending one of his rare nights home early by going to bed as soon as possible, but instead had spent the past two hours lying in wait of sleep. During the 120 minutes that had dragged painfully by each second, Derek had done everything possible to keep his mind off the blonde who'd stolen his heart. At one point he'd even tried counting fluffy sheep, but had written the whole idea off as stupid after only five sheep.

It was no use; he couldn't get his mind off her.

This was nothing new to him though, and by now he was used to the fact that she occupied his mind even though he hadn't seen her for the past four years. He missed her so much that his heart ached whenever her face appeared in his mind. And despite the fact that he would give anything for her to be his again, she was still never there.

Derek's hand reached out to the other side of the bed, hand grasping at open air before falling down onto the cold sheets. For a year she'd occupied the space next to him almost every night, and it was strange to think that he still wasn't quite accustomed to sleeping alone. He wanted nothing more than to pull her smaller form against his own, wrapping an arm protectively around her waist while she slept. It was so simple and yet it was so complex: he missed her. He missed her more than he even knew how to say.

With a heavy sigh, Derek reached for his phone, pulling it to him as he dialed his voicemail, punching in the familiar code to take him to just the message he wanted. He held the phone to his ear, cradling it gently while an automated voice informed him the time and date the message had been sent at. Then suddenly Meredith's light laughter flooded into his ear, and Derek shut his eyes, the initial pain at hearing her voice hitting his heart with a bang before the pain subsided, replaced by butterflies in his stomach.

_'August 22, 2007 at 8:37pm: "Hi Derek, I'm just calling to say… Well, I met you a year ago today. And it's just funny, because I didn't even know this was the day we first met. In my head it's always that rainy day in the grocery parking lot because that's when I actually learned your name. I'll never understand why you didn't introduce yourself that day on the beach, but it's okay. I'm glad you did eventually. I'm glad fate brought us together because honestly? I never believed in a happily ever after before I met you. I love you. Oh, hi Zeus! Zeus wants to say that he wants you to come home soon. I can't believe you're working late on our one year anniversary, but I forgive you, I always forgive you. Come home soon, I love you. Happy anniversary." To replay this message, press one. To delete, press seven.'_

The silence that followed shortly after he placed his phone back on the nightstand was almost too much for Derek to go through. It just felt so empty. The message, laced with laughter and sentences where Derek could hear Meredith's smile, made him happy and sad all at once. Remembering her was bittersweet. After she left, everything was always bittersweet, and nothing in between.

And he hated it. He hated the fact that all her messages sat in his voicemail because he couldn't bear to delete them. But knowing they were there compelled him to listen to them, and just from that small fact alone he knew he could never let go. So he didn't delete them. Because those were one of the only things that still reminded him that she'd once been here, with him, and that they'd been happy together. He couldn't let go.


	6. Chapter 6

[6] {Per a reader's requests, I'll be lengthening the chapters! Definitely keep making requests like these, I love reading them.}

When Derek's phone went off for the fourth time during lunch, its loud vibrations setting the trays of food awry, he simply reached over and silenced it. After it finished its ringing, he turned off the device altogether, leaving the phone untouched on the table while he once again picked up his sandwich. Mark stared, an eyebrow raised while Derek went on with lunch as if he hadn't just ignored a call four times in a row.

"Are you ever going to talk to her?"

Derek gave Mark a confused look, saying mid-mouthful, "I am talking to her."

"No, you're ignoring her calls," Mark replied, reaching over and turning Derek's phone on once again. Derek rolled his eyes but didn't protest, brushing his palms together to rid them of any crumbs.

"I'll call her back later," he informed Mark, taking a bite out of his apple as he watched the plastics surgeon watching him. "It's not like I see her all that often anyway, doesn't matter. Perks of being in a long distance relationship," he half-grinned, and Mark rolled his eyes.

"There are no perks to being in a long distance relationship," Mark pointed out, but Derek just shrugged. "Seriously. Can't see her, means no sex."

Derek let out a laugh, his turn to roll his eyes at Mark's proud smirk. "That's the Mark I know. I was starting to think you'd disappeared forever. You've gone soft, babysitting me all the time."

Mark shrugged, reaching over to steal Derek's apple so he could finish the rest. His grin appeared to counter Derek's indignant expression, chuckling as he replied, "Apparently not as soft as you thought."

* * *

><p>It was a little after 1pm when the door to the bar swung open, and much to his surprise, Max looked up to see Meredith walking in. "Oh," she paused momentarily before seating herself at the bar. "I didn't know you were working this early. Hoping, but didn't think you would be."<p>

"Tequila?" He grinned, placing the glass back on the shelf when she shook her head. "I'm not supposed to be. You got lucky."

Meredith nodded slowly, opening her mouth and closing it a few times before saying, "Can I just have a glass of water? I make it my policy not to drink tequila this early." She allowed herself a small smile while Max supplied her with the nonalcoholic beverage. The bar was fairly empty; apparently most people followed Meredith's "policy" to not drink alcohol at essentially, noon.

Max dropped a red plastic straw in Meredith's water before he handed it to her, and after serving another customer a refill, he pulled up a stool behind the counter and sat facing her.

"What?" She asked, giving him a curious look, squirming a little in her seat to avoid his intense his gaze. His eyes were blue, which instantly reminded her of looking into Derek's eyes. The blue she'd been so used to seeing on early mornings before work and late nights when they finally earned themselves a few hours of sleep. Meredith cleared her throat softly as she averted Max's gaze, drawing a sip from her water while she waited for him to answer.

"I'm assuming you want to talk? That's why you're here, right?" Max had an uncanny way of reading Meredith, to the extent where she didn't know what to think of it. He was her bartender. He'd seen her come in regularly but she doubted she'd ever learned his name until a few days ago. Part of Meredith hated the way he seemed to care about her, and part of her wanted to spend as much time around him because he did care. She couldn't remember the last person who'd really noticed her after she left Seattle, and the fact that Max not only knew she needed someone to talk to but wanted to be that person struck Meredith in ways she didn't know was possible. After Seattle, she'd lost most of everything other than her continuously broken heart. Looking at Max, the tears welled up in her eyes. For the first time in a long time, Meredith Grey was moved to tears over something other than Derek Shepherd. She wanted to cry because Max cared, and she didn't even know his last name.

"I don't know your last name," she said as the first tears rolled down her cheeks. Max looked concerned, the last thing he'd been expecting was for her to cry and now here she was, the tears hot against her skin. He didn't know what to do; he'd never been good with women crying.

"Um, Abbott. My last name's Abbott." He supplied her with the name and a few tissues from his pocket, not sure what else to do but sit and wait for the storm to pass. Or, wait for the drizzling to pass and pray that it didn't turn into a full blown storm.

Meredith nodded, pressing the damp tissues against her face. "Okay. Max Abbott," she held out her hand, "Meredith Grey."

Max grinned, his muscles relaxing as he took her hand and shook it firmly. "Nice to meet you, Meredith Grey. But we're already friends. And I call you 'doctor'."

A smile broke out on Meredith's face, her hair falling over her face as she glanced down at the cool granite countertop and then back up at Max. "Okay, Max. Okay."

* * *

><p>She ended up telling him everything. She didn't know how she even started, but as Max's piercing blue eyes gently pushed her on, everything Meredith had been holding back for the past four years came out in the open in that cozily lit bar on that cold February afternoon. Her chest felt tight while she recounted everything that had led up to her departure from Seattle and SGMW, but Max sat quietly, handing Meredith tissue after tissue as he waited for her to catch her breath. Most of her sentences were broken and came out choked, but the more she talked, the less it hurt. It was cliché to think—and clichés weren't something she really believe in, but every word Meredith spoke eased that tightness in her chest a little more. She didn't know if she would ever be whole again. She needed Derek for that. But at least for around an hour, it hurt less.<p>

Three minutes passed after Meredith finished before Max responded. He'd been waiting to see if there was more, because it wouldn't have been the first time Meredith had paused to regroup, but when her eyes met his slowly, he knew it was his turn to talk. He didn't know where to begin. She'd unloaded everything on him in such a "short" amount of time that he couldn't process it all at once. Between filling up a few drinks here and there and listening to Meredith cry and speak, Max hadn't gotten all that much time to sort through his thoughts. She was more broken than he'd thought, and he wanted to pull her into a tight embrace but she sat tense on her stool, on edge. "You're afraid I'm judging you." It hit him, the sudden revelation, and he watched as Meredith barely nodded, the motion so slight that he hardly noticed. "I'm not judging you, Meredith."

"I know," she said, but he could tell she didn't believe herself or him.

"Hey," he said, waiting until her blue eyes met his again. "I'm not judging you. Everyone has their own story to tell. Yours isn't any better or worse than mine or the next person's."

"You have a story?" Her smile told him that she thought the idea of him having a past was completely out of the question.

"More or less," he cocked a grin, coaxing a genuine smile to appear onto her lips. "But this isn't about me, it's about you." He took in a deep breath, eyeing her across the counter while he tried to find a place to begin. "Okay," he let out a laugh. "I don't know what to say to you. Are you okay?"

"'More or less'," she quoted him, and he rolled his eyes.

"Very funny, doctor. Are you?"

"I think I will be."

"Good." He nodded, and fell silent again. "So, this Derek, are you still in love with him?"

Meredith scrunched up her nose, making a face as she played with the straw in her water. "I don't… I haven't… it's been four years, Max. I don't think it's normal to still be in love with someone after four years."

"Forgive me, but you don't seem very 'normal' to me. You drink way too much tequila to be considered normal."

She reached across the counter to smack him in the arm. "Shush, Max. I'm broken, remember? Stop breaking me." She grinned at him, and he grinned back. "I might be. I don't know."

"You need to see him again," his statement really a question.

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay." Another pause. "I think I might be."

"Still in love with him?"

She shook her head. "I think I might be seeing Derek again." Her tongue stumbled over his name, and Max's eyebrow rose at the inconsistency. "Soon," Meredith recovered. "The Chief is sending me to Seattle Grace Mercy West to bring back a heart for a patient. She says I'm her best fifth year resident. And I- I said I'd go. But Max, I don't know." Meredith's eyes pleaded with the bartender before her like she was asking him to pull her out of this situation, but they both knew that even if Max went to talk to Dr. James, Meredith would still be on a plane to Seattle despite the rapid racing of her heart.

"Well, congratulations on being the best fifth year. But it sucks you have to go when you don't know if you're ready."

"I'm not. Ready. I'm not ready, I mean."

"I know." He gave her a sympathetic smile, and Meredith realized she didn't find his sympathy condescending. He was just genuine upon genuine and that worried and intrigued her all at the same time. He was her first friend in a long time, and she was reluctant to admit that she was enjoying his company. But he had the kind of smile that made her heart flutter in the tiniest bit just because and only because his smile was beautiful, and Meredith had done such a great job of pushing people away that she had the inexpressible need to let someone in. Max wanted to be in her life. Meredith had taken in a fair amount of tequila over the past four years but she could still see that Max actually wanted to break through her walls. It was the kind of different that for once, she wasn't running from.

She was tired of being tired. She was tired of the same routine day after day; of missing Derek to trying not to miss him to hating herself for not being able to let go to missing him again. She was so tired. Being a surgeon hadn't always been her dream, but now it seemed like the only thing keeping her afloat. It was the one thing she could hold onto. And if having Max in her life meant she had something else to hold onto, she would fight to keep him there. She just couldn't afford to sink any further than she already had.

"So, is the doctor in need some tequila now?" Max's grin was starting to become more familiar each time he flashed a smile at Meredith.

"It's still too early," she smiled back, standing up and finishing the last of her water. "I really should get back to work. My lunch break's long overdue."

"Is the Chief of Surgery going to be on your case?" Max asked.

"No," Meredith smiled, shaking her head. "She needs me to go to Seattle remember?"

Max snapped his fingers together on Meredith's way out. "Ah, that's right." She turned at the door, catching Max's wave. "See you soon, doctor."

* * *

><p>February 3, 2008, three days after Meredith left, Derek had walked into a Starbucks after his shift was over. It had been late, and he knew that most people would've been heading home to sleep, but it was his night on-call. And for the first time in three days, he'd been given a fragment of hope.<p>

"_Sir, your latte." Derek nodded at the barista, wrapping his tired fingers against the hot paper cup before bringing it to his lips, much too hot to be tasted. "Careful, that's hot," the barista smiled, winking at him. They were always flirting with him. Normally he didn't mind, but now with Meredith gone, he didn't want to be flirting with anyone, let alone the barista who served his coffee at 9pm. She'd scrawled her number on the side of the cup and Derek muttered something callous under his breath as he walked out into the cold. The wind bit at his cheek and his neck and he pulled the collar of his jacket up higher, trying to make a barrier against the wind._

_He was walking towards his car when he looked into grocery store, eyes landing on a blonde standing in one of the aisles, a cardboard box in her hand. "Meredith." Derek immediately turned from his path to his car, walking into the grocery store instead, his eyes fixated on the blonde at the end of the aisle. His steps were far too eager, his anticipation rising in his chest as he made his way to her. It had to be her. She'd said she was leaving but she'd just needed a few days to cool off. She'd never left in the first place. She couldn't do that to him and she wouldn't. He knew Meredith. _

__He was about to form her name, his lips prepared to open with the first syllable of her name, when she turned and looked up, confusion written all over her face. Derek's steps faltered awkwardly and his pace slowed, trying to give himself as much time as possible to register that this wasn't Meredith. But he'd been so sure. And when reality sunk in, he was also aware of the fact that he was in the tampon section of the store. No wonder she was giving him strange looks.__

_He closed his mouth and stepped past her, grabbing a box of tampons on his way to the next aisle so he wouldn't seem as lame as he felt. Maybe she would think it was sweet—a man buying tampons at 9pm for his girlfriend complaining of cramps. It wasn't like he hadn't done it before; Meredith was horrible at remembering to stock up on tampons._

_Derek paid for the small yet colorful box, pulling out his credit card and swiping it on auto-pilot. It hadn't been her. "Girlfriend?" The guy working the cash register was saying._

"_Um, yeah." Derek managed a smile before he grabbed the plastic bag holding the tampons and left._

_He went through his on-call shift the same as he always did, only the way his hopes had been dashed so abruptly stayed with him throughout the evening, and then his regular work hours the next day. When he finally got home and was about to get out of the car, he saw the tampons sitting in the passenger seat. With a sigh he grabbed them, walking into the frat house and heading straight up the stairs to the bathroom. They still lived there; Alex, April, Jackson, Lexie, himself. It'd only been three days. They were trying to work out living arrangements, trying to figure out whether they should leave Ellis Grey's huge house or if they should just try and get a hold of Meredith and find out what she wanted to do. It was technically her house, since Ellis had passed away. But that was another painful reminder behind the reason why Meredith didn't seem to be in Seattle anymore._

_Derek stuck the box of tampons under the sink, much like he'd done so many times before. But as he sat there on the tiled floor, his back against the closed door, some hopeless part inside him said Meredith wouldn't be using those tampons anytime soon._

He'd never stopped hoping. Every time Derek saw a blonde that resembled Meredith, he stopped whatever he was doing just to make sure it was or wasn't her. He just had to know. He couldn't handle the thought of seeing someone that looked like Meredith and passing by, only to miss an opportunity to see her features up close again. He thought he'd known her, thought he was sure she'd never leave him like that; but four years later, he just wasn't so sure anymore. Little by little, he'd started believing that she was really gone—evaporated into thin air like some kind of magic trick that only she could ever accomplish, leaving an empty hole in his life where she'd once breathed and laughed and lived and most of all, loved.


	7. Chapter 7

[7] {Seven is a perfect number, and I figured it's been a long enough wait. But anyway, I know the fact that Derek has a girlfriend really isn't very popular, and I'm not sure how happy you guys will be after finding out who it is. I promise it's always Meredith/Derek in the end though, always. They're my "ONE True Pairing" after all. Much love. (And also, a super long chapter to hopefully make up for it while I'm on vacation. Keep reading?)}

Mid-February, Seattle's temperatures dropped dramatically. The weather forecasters kept seeing snow in the future, but so far the skies had yielded nothing. For once, the incessant rain was not falling; however, the dryness of the atmosphere left everyone's hair standing on end, literally.  
>Mark's coffee sat abandoned as he scribbled in his charts, flipping through pages rapidly as he muttered, "D*** those interns. What did I say about filling out my charts legibly?"<p>

He'd gone through half his charts when the clicking of heels stole his attention from the charts he was recopying with noticeable difficulty. The familiar figure down the hall made him do a double take, before he tapped the nearest intern on the shoulder and ditched his charts at the counter. "Charts," he snapped. "And do them right this time or you and your buddy who messed up will be getting me coffee for an indefinite amount of time."

* * *

><p>"Is there a reason Dr. Sloan is standing in my gallery, waving his arms like an insane person?" Derek asked calmly as he resected a tumor, his hands free of the slightest tremble. The rest of his medical staff looked up as well, just in time to see Mark sigh with exasperation.<p>

"Derek," he mouthed again, taking up the large sweeping gesture of his arms once again as he tried to get the neurosurgeon's attention. Derek remained unresponsive as he dropped the tumor into a metal tray, barely looking up before he refocused on the open brain in front of him.

"Shepherd." Mark's voice came through the intercom; he'd finally decided to just press the button instead of saying his sentences silently as he waved like a lunatic.

"What is it, Mark?" Derek replied, not even looking up.

"Um, 911."

Derek glanced up briefly. "Nurse, check my pager."

"No," Mark insisted. "No, not your pager. We have a crisis on our hands." No response from Derek. "Houston, we have a problem. I repeat, Houston, we have a problem. Uh, send help. Stat."

"Did you seriously just say 'send help stat'?" Derek's chuckle was unable to stay hidden as he shook his head at Mark's antics. "Because I seriously have no idea what you're talking about. Lucky for you, I just completed a successful surgery despite your childish antics. Meet me in the scrub room, 'stat'?" He was still laughing to himself, replaying Mark's urgent and incoherent messages in his head when his friend walked in. "Seriously," Derek laughed again. "'Send help stat'?"

"Yes, 'send help stat'!" Mark replied, crossing his arms defiantly. "I can't believe 'Houston, we have a problem' didn't even get so much as a flicker of recognition from you."

"That's because I had no clue what you were going on about, Mark," Derek grinned as he toweled off his arms and walked out of the scrub room, Mark following behind him. "What's so important?"

"She's here," Mark lowered his voice. "Like, here-here. As in the I-saw-her kind of here. Like, she-was-walking-toward-me here."

"Addison?" Derek asked with a frown, stopping at the nurse's station to fill out his chart.

"Yes, Addison." The sing-song voice of the redhead came from somewhere behind the two surgeons.

"Seven o'clock," Mark muttered before putting on a smile. "Addison!" He greeted, like he had no previous idea that she was in town.

"Mark Sloan, you know I can hear you right? And it was actually seven o'clock, not eight. By the way, I swear I saw you earlier, filling out charts. Have they demoted you to an intern around here?" Addison Montgomery's familiar smirk was directed at Mark before she held out her arms. "Oh, come here. How's my favorite man-whore?"

"Not so loud!" Mark replied, pulling away with a grin. "And just so you know, I'm still the best plastics surgeon around town. Around _everywhere_. Or have you been living under a rock in LA?"

"I always knew I liked you," Addison smiled, before turning to Derek, who'd put away his chart and was now wearing his McDreamy grin.

"How are you, Addie?"

"Good," she gave him a quick peck. "But you've been ignoring my calls."

"I'm a world renowned neurosurgeon. I have surgeries, I'm busy."

"He's a world renowned neurosurgeon," Mark repeated with a nod. When Addison shot him the Addison-look, he quickly said, "And uh, I'm the best of the best when it comes to plastics surgeons. Super busy. Gotta go." He hurried off in the other direction, mouthing, "Talk to her. Explain. January 31. Meredith."

"I'm glad LA's been treating you well," Derek said when Mark's retreating figure disappeared around a corner.

"Why aren't you calling me back, Derek?" Addison sighed, linking her arm through his as she pulled him toward the elevators.

"I told you, Addie. I've been busy." He leaned over to kiss her cheek briefly before they stepped into the elevator. "Come on, I'll buy you coffee."

* * *

><p>Max stood in front of Meredith's apartment, knocking his knuckles against her door before shoving his hands into his pockets. It was the second time he'd stood in front of her door, the first being the night he made sure she ended up home safely. "Fond memory," he said to himself, smiling when the door opened and Meredith waved him in. "Hey, doctor."<p>

"Want to meet Zeus?" She asked, leading him through her apartment. "Zeus!" She called, and before he knew it, Max was lying on his back, a full grown golden retriever's paws resting on the front of his shirt. "He likes meeting new people," Meredith was laughing, although the back of her mind recalled how Zeus' friendliness had led her to Derek.

"I can see that," Max said when he finally rolled out from underneath the dog and stood up. Zeus ran laps around the bartender and his owner, his tail waving back and forth before he sat down near Max's feet, sniffing Max's shoes.

"You two will get along perfectly," Meredith reached down to rub Zeus' head affectionately. "So, his food and vitamins and treats are in the cupboard next to the fridge. His leash is next to the door, and his bed is in my room. Feel free to take anything with you if you want him to stay at your place." She paused, biting her lip as she stared around the room to see if she'd forgotten anything else. "He's 11, so he's not going to play with you like a puppy would, but that's a good thing. It doesn't mean he won't tackle you like he just did though, so always watch your back, literally."

Max had settled down on the floor, Zeus' head in his lap. "We'll be fine, doctor. Don't worry. We're going to have a lot of fun, aren't we?" He gave Zeus a good scratch behind his ears before standing up. "Now get your things, and I'll drive you to the airport. No way am I letting you miss this flight."

* * *

><p>Little was said as Max drove Meredith to the airport, pushing the speed limit to be sure she was on that plane toward Seattle. His hands gripped the steering wheel loosely, casually, while she sat tense in the passenger seat. For her sake, he tried to look as nervous as he knew she felt, sitting up straighter and fixating his eyes on the road. He thought maybe it would help, although he wasn't really sure what would.<p>

"I feel like nothing in this world could encompass my feelings," Meredith blurted, chewing on her thumb. She didn't do it often, just when she was stressed and nervous.

"Stop talking like that, I don't understand you." Max smiled, glancing over briefly before turning his eyes back to the cars ahead of him. "And stop biting your nail. It's a nasty habit."

"'Nasty'?" Meredith smiled.

"Nasty," Max confirmed before he reached over and pushed her hand back down into her lap.

* * *

><p>Derek Shepherd stared at Addison Montgomery while she talked, his eyes following the fluid motion of her hands as she waved them dramatically in the air. She always talked with her hands; it was like she could never sit still for more than a few seconds. Maybe that was why she'd specialized in OBGYN—babies moved and fussed a lot. He doubted Addison ever had a spare moment when she was on the job.

"I missed this place, Derek." Addison was referring to Starbucks, and she waved her hand in an arc to make sure Derek understood what she meant.

"Starbucks?" He smiled. "There are Starbucks in LA, Addie. There's Starbucks all over the world."

"No," Addison laughed. She reached forward, covering Derek's hand over the table. "Well, yes. But I meant I missed sitting here with you, talking and laughing over dumb things like me missing Starbucks and Seattle and most of all, you."

She was smiling at him, her signature Addison smile that looked like she was smiling, only maybe she wasn't fully smiling, but she actually was. He didn't know how to describe it. Addison was classy, she was tall and elegant and not only did she have the Addison-look, she had the Addison-smile. She was a bunch of good things all piled into one brilliant woman, and maybe, Derek thought, maybe he could love her. He smiled back, although something about Addison's expression said his smile wasn't reaching his eyes.

He wanted to say that he'd missed her too, and he wanted to mean it. But if Derek had really missed Addison, he would've picked up her every call. Maybe he would've flown down to LA to see her. Maybe he would've really kissed her the moment he saw her, and not have settled for that simple peck on the lips.

He was supposed to tell her about Meredith. That was what Mark had been talking about in the elevator on January 31—_"When are you going to tell her?" "Tell who?"_—but Derek had been too distracted by that particular date of the year that he hadn't even remembered Addison was his girlfriend.

But how were you supposed to tell the girl you were dating about the girl you were still in love with? And why did you have to? Addison was never supposed to be the replacement, not really. She'd been there to make everything hurt less. It wasn't like Derek had looked at her and fallen in love—she wasn't Meredith.

_He met her at the bar. He hadn't been meaning to; Derek Shepherd was beyond help, that's what everyone said. He walked into Joe's and slid into a seat at the counter, ordering his regular scotch and a beer on the side. He made little conversation, didn't look at anyone, didn't try to pick up any girls. He was just there to drink, like he was almost every night._

_Addison had noticed him a few days ago, noticed how he came into the bar often, noticed the way he walked and talked and sometimes smiled. She was visiting Seattle for a case, leaving the sunshine in LA for a few weeks. Joe's was convenient; it was right across the street from SGMW and there were little things Addison Montgomery enjoyed more than a good night spent drinking._

_She hadn't planned on getting into a relationship, of course not. She was in Seattle for work, not to fool around. Needless to say, she didn't have the best luck with relationships, and anyway, work kept her on her toes so much that she didn't have time for one anyway. But looking at Derek for a few nights in a row and Addison already knew she wanted him._

_She got his attention by placing a hand on his arm, asking, "Is this seat taken?" He glanced up at her, taking in her eyes and her hair and her face, before shaking his head. "It's not."_

_He didn't strike her as the best conversation maker, but she slid into the seat anyway. She sat there in silence for a few minutes, debating what to say before blurting out, "Will you buy me a drink?" He hadn't asked, but she needed a drink._

_Derek turned slowly so he could see her, mute as he once again took in her features. She wasn't bad looking. Actually, she was quite attractive. But she wasn't his type—no, that wasn't it. Because in reality, nobody was Derek's type, nobody but Meredith Grey. He'd spent so long missing her though, that he didn't even feel like himself anymore. Like if she came back right at this moment, she wouldn't even recognize him._

_He opened his mouth to speak, saying, "Sure, why not?"_

_She smiled. It was the first time he saw that Addison-smile, like she was unsure of where this was heading, but she was used to getting what she wanted. "Okay. Okay, great. That's good. Um, apple martini, please."_

_"Apple martini," Derek informed Joe, whose eyes widened slightly at the fact that Derek Shepherd was buying someone a drink, after almost four years of missing Meredith._

_"You like your alcohol don't you?" Derek asked as he ordered another martini for Addison._

_"Yes. Yes, I do," she slurred her words together, flashing him a smile, to which he smiled back._

_He didn't know how many glasses of scotch he'd gone through, or how many apple martinis she'd drank. All he knew was that he was drunk, and so was she._

_"Let's go," he muttered, taking her by the arm. She stumbled a bit, leaning on him as her high heels clicked across the bar floor, both of them heading out into the cold._

_They took a cab back to Addison's room at the Hyatt. She gave him a hasty kiss in the car before leading him up to her room. He hadn't been expecting to end up here, but all the alcohol Derek had consumed was clouding his judgment, and Addison had been on a set track the minute she'd finished off her first apple martini._

_Addison's eyes were closed as she yelled, "I don't, your name."_

_"Derek," he informed her, preoccupied._

_"Addison," she told him, and he smiled. It was a nice name. Not "Meredith", by any means, but it was a nice name._

_Eventually they both climaxed, both exhausted as they lay on different pillows catching their breath. "That was," she began, breathing heavily. "That was amazing."_

_"Yeah, sure," was all he said, nodding. "It was." His mind was evidently elsewhere as he turned on his side and closed his eyes, his body exhausted._

_When Derek woke up the next morning, he didn't recognize the nice bed with the white sheets and the dark blue curtains. "What's going on…?" He mumbled, shifting slowly until he could see the redhead lying next to him. "Addison," he muttered, the events of the night before coming back to him. He'd been at Joe's, and after who knew how long, he'd gone "home" with a girl._

_He got dressed quietly, leaving the Hyatt and driving home to change before he had to work. He didn't understand himself or his actions, cursing himself for drinking too much and ending up having sex with a girl he didn't know. She wasn't Meredith, and he knew that. He knew nobody would ever be Meredith. But hadn't he suffered long enough? It wasn't easy or simple or uncomplicated when the love of his life had broken his heart. When he walked through the doors of SGMW and Mark immediately drilled him on his whereabouts the prior evening, his best friend already knowing he'd gone home with a girl, Derek came to a realization he hadn't expected to have, mostly because it made him sound crazy. "The sex makes it hurt less."_

_"Seriously?" Mark asked, the doubt written all over his face as he handed Derek a coffee._

_"I don't know why it does, but it does."_

_"Okay. Anything that'll make you get over you-know-who."_

But Mark didn't really understand. The plastics surgeon understood most things about Derek, but the one thing he hadn't quite grasped was that Derek would never fully get over Meredith. The sex numbed the pain, but that didn't mean Meredith's face didn't appear in Derek's head regularly. And even when Derek eventually began a relationship with the redhead who turned out to be a surgeon herself, he knew Addison couldn't be a replacement for the love of his life. It was impossible to replace someone who was your soul mate. It didn't matter if he wanted to love Addison, it didn't matter if he wanted to forget about Meredith—he couldn't. He was trying to try, but he knew that you could never erase the person who meant more to you than anything else, much less the endless pages of memories that Derek hadn't finished writing in the story of his life with Meredith Grey.

* * *

><p>Max held Meredith's bags as he watched her standing in the middle of the airport. He was watching her so intently mainly because she wasn't moving through security when she was supposed to be moving through security. He didn't want to push her, but every glance at his watch told him that the day wasn't getting any younger, and the flight wouldn't be waiting for forever.<p>

When Max finally sighed, Meredith's eyes were wide as they met his. "Okay, doctor. You have to go, and you have to go now. You know I'm not going to make you, because that's what makes our friendship work so well, but I have to make you. So, I'm making you. Go, Meredith." He used her actual name, figuring that saying "doctor" again just wouldn't cut it. "Go and I don't know, be happy. Because maybe he won't be waiting for you, but something tells me that he will be. That he's been waiting for you. And you have to like, go to Seattle, not because of that heart you need to bring back. But for you. And for me. Because we are two people who deserve happy endings and there's nothing in my future that says love right now, so you have to go and fall in love again and tell me about it. I'm basically your best girlfriend, right?"

"Right." Meredith's smile always made her look prettier, no matter how fragile it was.

"But I'm not gay. We're clear on that?"

"We're clear." She was smiling fully now. Max sighed again, dropping her bags onto the floor before extending his arms.

"Okay. Come here and give me a hug." He wrapped his arms around her small frame as she stepped into him, hugging her tight as he added more quietly, "I'm serious. Go be happy. I need you to come back happy."

"I'll try. For you, I'll try," she teased, picking up her bags herself now. It was a good start, her holding her own bags. "I'll see you in a few days?"

"Of course. I'll be waiting at the airport to take you home even if your flight comes in at 3am. Now hurry." He waved her off toward security, and with one last smile, Meredith turned and got into the line. Max watched until she'd passed the security check before he turned and headed back to where he'd parked his car. Basically, security was a real pain to go through, but for once he was glad it existed, because he knew that once Meredith passed those gates, he wouldn't be able to rush through and be there for her. That was good. She had to go to Seattle and see Derek, and Max wasn't going to settle for anything else.

* * *

><p>Seattle was unfamiliar and familiar all at once. Meredith still recognized everything, but at the same time it felt like everything had changed in the past four years. What if Derek wasn't waiting for her? What if Max had been terribly wrong?<p>

She checked into her hotel which was located barely five minutes away from the hospital. She couldn't figure out if that was a good or bad thing—it was close for her to run to and hide if needed, but also close for her to be found quickly.

She felt like she needed to call Max so he could talk her into staying before she talked herself out of it, but she was supposed to be stepping foot back into SGMW in a few minutes. She didn't have any time left to sit there in her hotel and feel sorry for herself. She'd waited years wondering if Derek still loved her, and now she actually had to find out. The hardest part was knowing that if he didn't, it was because she'd been the one to walk away in the first place.

It was all on her.

Meredith got in her rental car and pulled out of the parking lot. The five minute drive wasn't anywhere near long enough for her to take a deep breath, pull herself together, and prepare to see Derek Shepherd after four years.

* * *

><p>She felt distinctly out of place as she made her way through the walls of Seattle Grace Mercy West. The hospital had been her home since she was a little girl, but one failed relationship with Derek and she felt like she didn't belong anymore. He was the neuro god here. And who was she? She was the girl who'd fallen in love with him, the intern who'd slept with the attending, but ditched because she had never been good with intimacy.<p>

And she still wasn't. She was scared, terrified even, and she couldn't see him or face him.

It was easier to blend into the crowd of people walking around the hospital because of her lack of scrubs and a lab coat. But when she was finally making her way across the bridge toward the Chief's office, her stomach felt like it was flipping, her clothing standing out among the blue scrub-wearing doctors.

"You just have to talk to the Chief, and then you can sit down and breathe." She was talking quietly to herself as she watched her feet, careful not to trip over her shoes and embarrass herself—people would be talking the minute she started falling to the ground. _"Did you hear? Meredith Grey is back. The one that broke Derek Shepherd. Ellis Grey's daughter? I saw her trip on the bridge. That girl could never get her act together."_

She began to relax the closer she got to Dr. Webber's office, slowly convincing herself that it would be okay. She wasn't back to stay. She was just here to get a heart; maybe she wouldn't see Derek or anyone else at all. The Chief's office still looked the same as Meredith glanced through the large glass windows to see him sitting at his desk, that same amount of paperwork still stacked around him, the couch in the corner. Despite everything that had happened when she left, despite how fervently Richard had begged her to stay, and despite how Meredith had hurt him by leaving, she still smiled to see him sitting there. She was glad he was still the Chief.

She turned from looking into his office to focus back on where she was headed, the double doors which were almost always propped open just a couple yards away. And then the dark curls of an attending dressed in navy blue turned the corner in front of her, making Meredith stop abruptly, her sudden halt creating a disruption in the steady flow of medical personnel. Derek looked up from the charts in his hand at the way traffic had changed its direction, his blue eyes meeting another set of blue that took him back to that summer's day almost six years ago.

And she wasn't a figment of his imagination, and he wasn't part of a dream she was having.

They were both right there. A couple yards away from each other. Close enough to figure out that regardless of the past four years, this was real. They were both in Seattle again; maybe they could pick up right where they left off.

Derek's face displayed his emotions so clearly that Meredith almost flinched. He wore an expression of confusion that mirrored the hurt and pain and sadness and disbelief he'd been put through since Meredith walked away. But he was so confused. His brain was telling him that she was there in front of him, but he didn't so much as smile. He couldn't understand why she was standing in front of him when she was supposed to be somewhere else than here, and the uncertainty was making him question everything.

Meredith held her breath as she searched Derek's face with anticipation, impossibly trying to read what he was feeling. And then when he continued to wear nothing but confusion, she turned around quickly on her heel, and walked away.


	8. Chapter 8

[8] {Your reviews are so lovely. I honestly think I might have the best readers ever. Anyway, I wrote this in the car yesterday because it'd been over a week (the length it usually takes me to post) and hours of driving tends to leave you with a lot of time on your hands. I hope you're still planning on sticking with me as I tell this particular story about Meredith and Derek, please review!}

Sometimes in the blink of an eye, a person's whole life can change. And this can happen more than once. When Meredith left, it was so sudden and abrupt that Derek never really believed it'd happened until she was so gone that he didn't know if he could run after her anymore. And then he stopped hearing from her for four years, stopped seeing her, stopped knowing her. No matter how many times he blinked, his life never changed back to where she was in it. And today he'd blinked, and she'd been right there. They'd both stopped moving, the seconds slowing to hours. Then he blinked again, and she wasn't there anymore, replaced by the endless crowd of medical staff that he didn't want to see.

* * *

><p>The initial shock at seeing Meredith left Derek with what felt like a tumor pressing on his whole brain. He was a neurosurgeon; he knew what it was supposed to feel like and he knew all the symptoms a patient was supposed to have if they did have brain cancer. He wasn't stupid; he knew that there was nothing wrong with him, that a tumor couldn't magically appear that suddenly. He could very well have had a heart attack, but even though he wasn't a heart surgeon, he knew he wasn't going into cardiac arrest either.<p>

He wanted to go after her. But the more people that crossed over the space she'd just been, the more he was unsure if she'd even been there at all.

When time resumed its normal pace and Derek couldn't take up his space by the door anymore, he continued on the bridge in the direction he'd been heading before he'd seen Meredith. Everything hurt, but he ignored it because he didn't want to hurt anymore. He subconsciously hated how easily she could trigger his emotions but he kept walking, gripping the chart so hard that his knuckles were white. His steps took him to Mark, not even realizing that the first person he'd turned to was the best friend that had been his rock for longer than he could even remember.

Mark took one look at a fast-approaching Derek and immediately handed Jackson a stack of charts. "Avery," he said calmly, turning the fifth year in the opposite direction. "Go handle my patients for five minutes. And then prep for our facial reconstruction in two hours."

"Mark," Derek muttered, slightly out of breath from his search for the plastics surgeon.

"Yeah," Mark leaned an elbow on the nurses' station, slowly figuring out all of Derek's emotions. "What's going on?"

"I saw her," he said, his voice low as Mark leaned in to hear better. "Meredith," Derek clarified at Mark's confused expression. "I saw Meredith."

"What?" Mark was in obvious disbelief, his question exclaimed so loudly that the nurses turned to hear. He gave each of them a smile, waving his hand to turn them away—everyone knew nurses liked to gossip, it was part of their qualifications. "That's not possible." He could sense that Derek was about to counter his statement and he held up a finger, interrupting him. "She said she wasn't coming back, Derek. Why would she be here now?"

"I don't know," Derek replied, frustrated as his palms smoothed back his hair, not caring that he might've just made it anything short of perfection. "I don't know," he repeated, placing his hands on his waist, glancing over at Mark who was watching him intently. "I was walking on the bridge, reading this chart," he slammed the clipboard on the counter and Mark once again waved away the nurses' prying stares. "And I looked up for some reason, and she was there. Right in front of me. Then she walked away."

"She walked away?" Mark echoed. "She walked away?"

"D*** it," Derek said, picking up his chart again. "I don't know; she was there and then she wasn't. But I swear she's here. She's in Seattle, Mark, and I don't… I don't know what to do." He drew in a quick breath, trying to steady his emotions. "How can she be here? She didn't say anything, didn't tell anyone. She's not supposed to be back. I love- she's- but—"

"Okay," Mark took a hold on his friend's shoulders, making him focus. He gave a quick look around, making sure Addison wasn't in the vicinity. He knew Derek still loved Meredith—he was the best friend, somewhere inside of him he knew that Derek would always love Meredith. But Addison was in Seattle, and Derek didn't have the time to fall apart like this. "You have surgery in half an hour, I checked the board. So you're going to go scrub in and save someone's life, and forget for a few hours that you saw Meredith."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Derek asked, the retort quick. "I swear she's here. She broke me, Mark, and I don't know how you expect me to go into surgery when I feel so broken. I was making progress. I have Addison. I thought, maybe I could love the woman who doesn't hurt me like Meredith does. But one look at her, Meredith Grey, and I'm right back to where I was. I can't do this." He turned, walking rapidly away from the nurses' station, aware that Mark was keeping up close behind. He entered an empty conference room, hitting the table with his palm while Mark closed the door behind them. "I need to push back my surgery," he said, louder now that they were away from anybody intent on listening.

"No," Mark shook his head, crossing his arms as he stood in front of the door. "No, you're not going to do that, because you can't let her hurt you like this anymore. I won't have it," he said, every word increasing in volume level, his voice loud but not quite at a yell. "It's been four d*** years Derek, and I don't care that she might be back, I'm not going to stand by and let you crawl back into your hole because it hurts so d*** much. I know it hurts, I've seen you like this and Derek, it hurts me too. You don't think I loved her? She was like my little sister. I hate that she left." He paused to let his words sink in before continuing again. "I'm your best friend, and I know you think she's the love of your life, but you can't push back your surgery. You can't let her affect you. You have to live your life and keep going despite everything that's happened, _because_ everything's happened."

"She _is_ the love of my life," Derek yelled. "And don't you think I want to be able to let it not affect me? It's not that easy."

"Fine," Mark yelled back. "But you're going into that surgery, and you're going to be successful. I'm going to look for her, see if she's really here."

"Fine," Derek said, walking toward the door as Mark stepped to the side to let him through. "She's here," he said, his voice level returning back to normal as he walked out, the door slamming behind him.

* * *

><p>Meredith ended up in an on-call room, the sheets and the pillows and the bed familiar to SGMW and the nights she spent there as an intern. She locked the door, sliding to the floor before she wrapped her arms around her knees, pressing her forehead into her jeans as she took in and exhaled deep breaths. She let the oxygen calm her flustered emotional state before she pulled out her cell phone, finding Max's name.<p>

"Hello?" The bartender picked up, the concern already in his voice. "Meredith?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Is everything okay?"

"No," she said, her voice cracking on the single syllable, biting her lip so she wouldn't start crying. "No, it's not okay. Max, I'm not okay. I saw Derek." She closed her eyes, leaning her head back on the door. "I saw him, and I just walked away, because he didn't look happy to see me. And I thought- I thought he would be, that he'd, I don't know, but he didn't."

"Okay," Max said quickly. "Okay. Breathe. It's going to be okay, Mer. He was just… he hasn't seen you in four years."

"I know," Meredith said, her voice saying anything but that.

"Do you want me to come over there?" Max asked finally, after a few seconds of Meredith inhaling and exhaling again.

"No," Meredith shook her head in the quiet of the on-call room before pausing. "You would do that?"

"Yeah," he said, chuckling a little bit over the miles between them. "I'd do that for you." He knew she was smiling, and that relieved him. "So, are you sure you don't want me to? Because I will."

"No, I'll be okay," Meredith said somewhat firmly. "But thank you, Max. Really. I- you're too good to me."

He laughed. "I'm not. I've just grown quite fond of you, doctor."

She smiled, opening her eyes and getting to her feet. "I've grown quite fond of you too," she said honestly. "How's Zeus?"

"Fine, I think. I took him back to my place and left him there, I'm actually standing right outside the bar about to start my shift."

"Oh, okay. I should let you go then."

"Probably," he cracked a smile. "Would kind of suck if I got fired because of you."

She laughed, nodding even though he couldn't see her. "Right. Bye, Max."

"Bye, doctor. You can do this."

"I can do this."

* * *

><p>Richard Webber looked up from his stack of paperwork when he heard a knock at the door, watching it push open slightly before Meredith walked in. "Meredith," he said, a small smile on his face as he stood up immediately, walking around his desk.<p>

"Hi, Chief," Meredith managed a smile back, stepping forward cautiously before Richard pulled her into a hug. It almost made her cry, how readily he was willing to accept her even though she'd fled his hospital without so much as a proper goodbye.

"How are you?" He asked, motioning for her to sit while he headed back to his chair.

"Fine," she nodded.

"Good," he nodded back, smiling at her. When Ellis had passed away, she'd made him promise that he'd always look after her little girl. Fine job he'd done of doing that; Meredith had taken off across the country shortly after. "So, the heart," he finally said, when he couldn't just sit there and enjoy the fact that she was back in Seattle again.

"Yeah," another nod. "Dr. James talked to you?"

"Of course," Richard replied. "The surgery's going to be done sometime in the next two days; our cardiothoracic surgeon's just going over some last details."

"Dr. Burke?"

"No," Richard shook his head. "Dr. Altman—she's been here for about a year, from the military."

"Oh, a military surgeon," Meredith said, surprised. She thought of Cristina and the driven doctor's relationship with Preston Burke. Was he still here?

"I'll let Dr. Yang or someone else explain," Richard said, reading her thoughts.

"Yeah. Cristina," Meredith faked a smile, pained at the friendship that had deteriorated along with all the others she'd left behind. A few awkward seconds passed before Meredith quickly stood up. "Well. I should probably go and… talk over things with Dr. Altman."

"Good idea," Richard got to his feet as well, walking Meredith to the door. "We've missed you," he told her honestly as she stood beneath the doorway. "You know if you ever want to return, there's still a spot for you."

"I know," Meredith replied, trying to manage another smile although the two words told Richard that she still wasn't planning on coming home anytime soon.

* * *

><p>She kept a low profile as she tried to locate Dr. Altman, even opting to take the stairs for fear of running into someone she knew in the elevator. She'd just made it into the cardio wing of the hospital when a familiar attention-getting cough behind her made her turn.<p>

"You're a hard woman to track down, Grey."

"Mark!" Meredith was unable to hide her smile as she stepped into Mark's welcoming hug. For some reason, this was someone she didn't mind seeing and wasn't inclined to run from. "How are you?" She asked, pulling away.

"I've missed you," Mark pulled her back for another few seconds before holding her at arms' length. "My, you've grown," he teased.

"Very funny. Are you still a man-whore?" She teased back, making him laugh.

"Somewhat," he said sheepishly. "So, back to business. What are you doing back in Seattle? And be honest Grey, you know I can always catch you when you're lying."

"I'm… Is this for Derek?" She asked suddenly.

"He said he saw you."

"He did," she said, quiet now. "I'm here for a heart. The Chief back in New York sent me to bring back the donor heart for her patient so…"

"So here you are."

"Here I am," she affirmed.

"New York, huh?" Mark crossed his arms, studying the resident he hadn't seen in four years. "Glad to hear you haven't run from there."

"Mark," Meredith's voice took on a tone of subtle pleading.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "Just hurts, you know? Everyone missed you."

"'Missed' or 'misses'?"

He shrugged, starting to walk and expecting her to follow. "I guess you'll have to find out. First, coffee?"

* * *

><p>Despite the rough beginning, the day had turned out okay. She hadn't seen Mark in years but the few cups of coffee they shared had felt exactly like old times. When she was talking to him, she was almost able to imagine that she'd never left.<p>

A talk with Dr. Altman informed Meredith that she would be bringing back a healthy heart to New York, what she was sent to Seattle to do. She didn't see Cristina anytime during her conversation with Teddy, and Meredith wondered whether her ex-best friend was still interested in cardio. How much had changed since she'd been gone? And how much could she be caught up on during the few days she would be staying here?

She hadn't seen any of the other residents either, but Meredith wasn't all too relieved to have missed an encounter with any of them. She missed them; they were her friends and they were her family. But she knew that they wouldn't be able to understand why she left because she didn't understand herself either. She told herself that the first resident she planned on seeing was Lexie, and although her relationship with her sister was probably strained because Meredith constantly dodged the phone calls and Skype sessions Lexie tried to plan, she still wanted to see the fourth year.

It was around 7pm when she decided to head back to the hotel, and after she checked in with Richard again, she walked across the bridge much more calmly than she had that morning. The elevator hummed as she stood in front of the doors, waiting for them to open because she was too worn out to take the stairs.

But maybe giving into her exhaustion had been a mistake. Derek looked up when the elevator doors opened on his way down, taking in a sharp breath to see Meredith. Although he tried to smile, sticking with Mark's order to not let seeing her affect him, the smile that he was able to form was far short of the McDreamy grin.

"Hi." Meredith said hesitantly, taking his semi-smile as a good thing. She was still standing in front of the doors, not having stepped into the elevator yet.

"Hey." Derek's voice sounded like he'd just woken up, and all Meredith wanted to do was cross the few feet between them and bury herself in his arms, waking up in his bed at the trailer, just the two of them.

But she didn't, because she didn't see how they could ever get back to that.

The doors slid shut, and when Derek's hand finally hit the "open door" button, the elevator had already begun its descent to the first floor.

Meredith steadied her breathing, avoiding any hyperventilating. Maybe she should've just taken the stairs.


	9. Chapter 9

[9] {It's been a stressful month at school and I apologize for the immense delay. But your reviews have been amazing, and it's such a blessing to have readers like all of you. I hope this chapter lives up to expectations—remember when the temperatures dropped in chapter seven?}

Seeing Derek was always electrifying. Even just a quick glimpse of his hair sent Meredith running for on-call rooms despite her best efforts to keep still. And just knowing he was there, a few miles away, made it hard for her to fall asleep at night.

It'd only been one day. She spent most of her time alone, working up the courage to go find a familiar fifth year and talk to them. But whenever she went looking, it was as if they were avoiding her too.

* * *

><p>"Muffin, please," she said, taking the chocolate one that was handed to her before paying. She turned to face the cafeteria, never knowing where to sit. She felt so alone here, even though Seattle was the home of everything she once knew.<p>

"_Lexie._" As soon as she saw the brunette, Meredith headed over, standing with her muffin over her sister. "I-"

"Mer." Lexie wore the perfect expression of surprise as she gestured with her mouth full. "Oh my god, sit." She hardly let Meredith settle down in the cafeteria chair before blurting out, "So, you're really here?"

"I suppose," Meredith said, unwrapping her muffin carefully. "I'm getting my donor heart today," she looked up at the fourth year, offering Lexie a smile. She knew it wasn't anything near an explanation, and she'd already been here for over 24 hours without seeing her sister, but Meredith was out of explanations. She'd never really had one in the first place.

"You're going into cardio?"

"That's the question you choose to ask me?" Meredith let out a laugh.

"I suppose." Lexie mimicked her sister with a smile, and the short echo was enough to somewhat convince Meredith that maybe things would be okay.

* * *

><p>"Does Derek hate me?" Meredith's voice from behind him made Mark turn, not even protesting when she took his coffee from his hand and drank from it.<p>

"Uh, I don't know."

"You're his best friend, Mark."

"Okay," Mark relented. "No," he said loudly, suddenly, taking back his coffee. "Are you crazy, Grey? He's in love with you. He's still in love with you." He took a sip from the paper cup, his pause for dramatic effect failing when he proceeded to burn his lips with the scalding liquid. "How did you just drink from this and not… never mind." He shook his head, dismissing the tangent. "He's always going to love you," Mark continued, studying Meredith's reaction carefully. "You're killing him, Grey. He loves you and, but, you're killing him."

"Mark, stop." Meredith's voice was quiet, looking down at the floor. Mark watched her intently; he'd always loved Meredith like his own sister, and at once he could tell that he was only making her feel worse.

"Stop what?" He finally asked. "It's the truth, Meredith."

* * *

><p>The secondhand confirmation of Derek's feelings for her struck a chord inside Meredith; and even though the words hadn't come from the neurosurgeon himself but rather, his best friend, it was a confirmation nevertheless. She'd arrived in Seattle scared of what she'd left behind, and although she was still terrified, she knew something had begun to change. If anything, something <em>had<em> to change. She just couldn't keep doing this anymore. "He's still in love with you" was hope for the hopeless; with Meredith being the hopeless and Derek's love being all the hope she needed in the world.

Her heart felt less empty than it had in years.

But what she was so desperately trying to forget was that at the very fiber of her being was a dark and twisty Meredith Grey. She wasn't bright and shiny, and quite frankly it seemed like she'd probably never be bright and shiny. And Derek deserved bright and shiny, especially since her dark and twistiness along with her obvious mommy issues had broken his heart.

He deserved someone who wasn't going to hurt him like she seemed incapable of doing.

Derek deserved _better._ And after four years of sleepless nights just thinking about it, Meredith didn't think she was better. She was going to let go. Tomorrow she'd be heading back to New York and she promised herself (and him silently) that this time, she really wasn't going to look or come back.

Tomorrow was the end. Tomorrow meant things were over. Tomorrow was the day she'd work up the courage and really say goodbye to Derek, giving him the proper closure she'd cheated him four years of.

Which was why when the snow storm hit Seattle, it ruined everything.

* * *

><p>The minute she woke up and saw the snow covering Seattle's trees and roads and houses, Meredith swore loudly—and she really wasn't the kind of girl who swore, at least not the specific swear word that flew out of her mouth.<p>

"Hello?" Max answered sleepily on Meredith's third call. "What's going on, Meredith?" He added, when he was somewhat more awake.

"Have you checked the weather forecast?" Meredith asked, the worry stressed in her voice as she moved around her hotel room getting dressed, picking up things from the floor on her way to the bathroom.

"Meredith, it's so early," Max groaned in response, rolling over and pressing his face into his pillow while holding the phone to his ear.

"Max," Meredith emphasized his name. "It's almost 10am in New York."

"Yeah," he mumbled back. "Late for you because you're a doctor, but hey, I'm a bartender."

"Right." Meredith's smile only appeared on her face momentarily before it changed into an eye roll, and then she let out a deep sigh. "Max, I think I might be snowed in."

"What?" All of a sudden, he sounded much more awake.

"Will you check the flights out of SeaTac, please?" She pleaded, practically begging him as she stuck a toothbrush in her mouth and talked around it.

"I'm on it," Max replied, distracted as his eyes scanned the forecast page and then the flights leaving Seattle. "Well, I'll be darned."

"Don't say that ever again," Meredith smiled. "What?"

"Snowed in. Snowed in at Seattle," he confirmed.

"I can't," Meredith sank down to the floor, leaning against the bathroom wall. She held her toothbrush in her hand, met with silence on Max's end of the call. When she finally spoke, her voice sounded almost hoarse. "I don't know what to do."

Max sighed, holding the phone tighter in his hand like it would help her. "It's only for a few days."

"You don't understand." Meredith forced herself to her feet, rinsing out her mouth in the sink before she sat back down, making a face no one could see. "I don't have anybody here, Max. I mean, there's Mark and my sister Lexie but… everything reminds me of Derek. I can't stay here anymore, I need to go, and I need to get out, and I just need to go _home._"

"Hey, hey," Max was saying as Meredith's rant reached near hysterics. "I've said this so many times," he told her with a small smile on his face. "But it's going to be okay."

"I want to go home," she replied, defeated.

"Meredith, you _are_ home."

* * *

><p>By the time she'd finally trudged her way through the snow and walked into the hospital, Max had sent her a text saying that he'd checked with the airport and her flight would just be pushed back. He tried joking around, saying that this was probably one of the only snowstorms Seattle would ever have and she was somewhat lucky to experience it, but he hardly got a smile out of Meredith.<p>

"Grey, you're still here!" Mark greeted her with a wide smile and open arms, handing her his coffee before she even asked.

"Snowed in," Meredith said, accompanying her explanation with a smile of sorts. "I guess the universe has other plans for me today."

Mark started to respond, his mouth open, but then he stopped. "Yeah," was all he said. "I guess it does."

* * *

><p>Just like when she'd stepped foot back inside the walls of Seattle Grace Mercy West, the news that Meredith was still here spread like wild fire as well. Within an hour she was once again picking up on the whispered conversations and side glances that followed her no matter where she went. Eventually Mark pulled her into his OR, letting her assist on a bone graft to avoid all the gossip.<p>

"You're a good friend, you know that?" She told him as they worked. Mark glanced up from the patient, grinning.

"I've changed, Meredith Grey," he chuckled. She had to smile at this, because four years ago she never thought that it was possible for the same Mark Sloan who'd tried to hit on her, to really change into a good person. But then again, as she worked in the quiet hum of his OR, she figured he'd always been a good person after all. "You know what you should do?" Meredith was partially startled when Mark spoke up again, too lost in thought, literally operating on auto-pilot.

"What?" She responded, but as soon as their eyes locked over the operating table, she knew. "Don't say it," she cautioned him.

Mark let out a quiet laugh. "Why not?"

"Mark, I can't even get Alex or Cristina to talk to me," she explained quickly, for once not noticing the dull ache that came with saying her friends' names. "How do you think I'm supposed to talk to Derek?"

He shrugged his shoulders, the subtle movement just bold enough for her to pick up on it without him making a mistake in his work. "You talk to me just fine. What's the difference?"

"Because you're you," Meredith smiled. "You're the guy who hit on me when I was an intern and had no clue I was sleeping with his best friend."

From the gallery of Mark's OR, Derek sat in a chair in the back row, his elbow on the armrest, his chin in his hand. A nostalgic smile formed on his lips as he watched Mark and Meredith laughing, noting that she actually looked happy. So, maybe she was doing alright after all. He couldn't help but miss her as he watched her ask that critical surgical question, her face lighting up as she realized how the surgery was going to end up. She looked _happy_ and that was all he wanted, and yet it hurt.

Never in his life had he ever thought he'd love someone the way he loved Meredith Grey. So quickly had she'd become everything to him that it'd taken him by surprise—he hadn't known that his heart was capable of loving this way. Derek felt everything for Meredith, to the point where sometimes he wished he didn't. To him, she was perfect. But she refused to let him love her the way he wanted to, and that was what they'd struggled with; a struggle that eventually led in a break up where he didn't even get to see her, because she ended up on the other side of the country.

A few minutes Mark happened to look up and see Derek in the gallery. Without Meredith noticing, he mouthed, "She still loves you." Derek had to smile, nodding slowly. He watched as Mark's eyes crinkled around the corners, the only indication that he was smiling underneath his surgical mask, before Derek got up out of his seat and walked out of the room.

* * *

><p>Shortly after 7pm, Meredith decided that she had to say goodbye to Derek <em>now<em> because if she didn't, she would never again have the courage that she currently felt like she held. It didn't matter that she'd still be stuck in Seattle for a few more days, possibly even a week; she just needed him to know.

Meredith had meant it when she'd said she would tell Derek "goodbye" today. Yes, he just deserved better, better than what she could give him. And although she didn't think she could ever be "better" for him, saying goodbye would be a step in the right direction. She needed this for herself as much as she thought he did for himself.

So when she eventually found him in the middle of an empty hallway void of all nurses and hospital staff and essentially all opportunities for rumors to travel down the grapevine, she didn't turn around. Her pace slowed, but that was only natural since she was once again coming face to face with the love of her life, only this time the connotations were different and they weren't meeting for a kiss or a hug or anything really, because she was here to say goodbye.

The best way to describe the look on Derek's face was an expression of confusion. His own steps slowed considerably, his eyebrows furrowing slightly, his hands curling into loosely clenched fists. It'd been four years and yet he could still read her, could still sense that whatever was coming, he needed to protect himself from. _He couldn't get his heart broken again._

"Hey," she said softly, her mind marveling at the fact she was standing a foot away from him and not flinching. If she reached out, she could touch him. For the first time in a long time, he felt close because he was.

"Meredith." In the back of Derek's head, his brain forced his body to relax.

"Please, don't say anything," she said simply, taking in a deep breath.

Derek looked taken aback for a second before he gave her the slightest nod. "Okay."

"Okay," Meredith echoed, letting out the long breath she'd inhaled seconds ago. "I need to say goodbye." Immediately after her words left her mouth, Derek opened his mouth to respond, to stop her, to say anything because wherever this was going, he didn't want to hear it. "Derek," she said quietly. "I need to finish this… you need to let me finish this."

She waited until he nodded again before continuing, finding the words as she went because in all honesty she lacked the proper words to say. Because how were you supposed to say goodbye to the love of your life, a goodbye four years too late? "I cheated you out of four years—nobody told me, I just know. Because Derek, I know you. I—I used to know you really well. And…" She trailed off, allowing herself to get lost in the blue of his eyes, knowing full well that he didn't want her to go on. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I have to let you go because it's been too long, and _I just don't want to hurt you anymore._ I don't want to hurt you."

Meredith paused, trying to allow time for her words to sink in before her head and heart told her to say more. The look on Derek's face was heartbreaking, but she tore herself from his gaze, looked up at the ceiling and to the wall next to them, before she opened her mouth to speak again. "I'm sorry I never said goodbye before. I'm so, so sorry."

"Meredith, don't." It hurt him so much that their first real conversation in four years was something as painful as this, but he couldn't muster up any sort of comprehensible response. _It hurt._ "You're not even leaving Seattle yet," he said, his voice forcing her eyes to meet his once again.

"No," she shook her head. "No, I'm not. But I have to start letting you go, or I never will."

"Meredith," he interjected.

"Derek, it's _done._" Selfishly so, Meredith didn't give him a chance to respond, to deliver an impromptu speech back. Her hand reached up to cup his cheek lightly, his skin warm and the beginning of his stubble tickling the bottom of her palm. The simple touch felt like sparks running through her body, but then just as quickly as she'd moved to touch him, she dropped her hand and turned and walked away.

This was goodbye. She hadn't thought she could do it, but she did.


End file.
